In Sickness and in Health

I’d waited such a long time to marry. I wanted to make sure I was not going to end up at the bar like so many other guys I’d seen say vows too early and then complain about “the wife” all while they order another drink just to avoid going home. I’d been in several long term relationships where the only thing I ever learned was that I’m much too nice, and gradually turned into a doormat that got used and kicked but never respected.

When I met my wife, I was in a good healthy personal place. I was attracted to her because I had always heard if you do the things you love, that’s how you’ll find the person you’re supposed to be with. I’ve always thought she was cheerleader kinda pretty, and I had always been very proud to introduce her; but our marriage was a total failure that blessed us with

3 beautiful children. She’s so nice to everyone except for me and I just can’t understand why. Hey! It’s me, Dan…………..you know; one of the nicest guys in the world. I used to say, if she was 1/2 as nice to me as she is to everyone else, we could have lived a happy life together. How could she be so mean to me, it’s me Dan! I’ve always been a good man with a good job just trying to  provide and gave her everything she wanted. I think of myself as an extraordinary father, I’m sorry I have Parkinson’s, it’s not by choice, but I believe it has made me a stronger man and better father.

Working as a waitress at a popular restaurant in town (before we were married) she had dated a very good friend and hunting buddy of mine. I had heard she liked to fish and bird hunt so I thought it would be cute when I tipped her, I’d say, “buy some shot gun shells with that.” After graduating college she moved with nothing but her car to Sun Valley, remarking she didn’t want to do the cooperate thing. Working odd jobs to live in a ski town she had worked as a sports reporter, trap and skeet instructor, waitress and also as a nanny. I had watched her with kids and I thought she would be a good mother, always seeming upbeat and calling everybody Buddy! How could you not be attracted to that? I truly believed I loved her, but she was slowly starting to hate me for having a disease.

Personally, I think after we had our first child she suffered from postpartum depression. Locking herself in the bedroom for two solid weeks crying wanting a little brother or sister for our newborn daughter. We had to have medical help to conceive our children and I finally gave in and the twins were conceived. Then BAM I was told I now have Parkinson’s disease! (But that’s associated with the elderly right?) I have to fight to keep my body moving to keep from progressing.

I have always tried to work really hard on myself to be the best man that I can possibly be. It just doesn’t seem fair that I would have done or tried absolutely anything to save my family and was as committed as any man could be to any woman but was just never loved back. After all we took vows, “For richer or for Poorer in SICKNESS and in health.” What happened?

I believed the power of love and family would always somehow ultimately win. For years I thought how lucky I was because of her good looks and popularity, but now as I see her, I see true ugliness. She is no where close to being good enough for me. I had begged her to go alone or for us together to get some help but she refused, saying she knew it wouldn’t help. I would reply by saying, ” How do you know unless we try, why do you hate me so much?”  She would just simply respond, ” I don’t hate you, I love you too”, and that is the most affection I would receive; only because I think she had to say something back.

With everyone putting digital pictures on Facebook, it’s usually the one that makes you look the best out of hundreds of choices; nobody ever seems to take a bad photo anymore. I like to take pictures of a beautiful sunset on my phone as well, but the truth is I should just look at them for myself every day. When I do, I should enjoy this beauty just for myself. Parkinson’s is a life of mental pain, it hurts, but nobody told me it would be so physically painful also.

I have wanted to write again for sometime now, it’s therapeutic for me to capture my thoughts on paper. Whenever I get custody of my children for the week, I am always so very happy! It is always so joyful the moment I pick them up after not seeing them for a week and begin on planning our next adventure. This past week when dropping them off at school for the exchange back to their mother, I broke down as my son Cade exited my truck and kept looking back at me and waving as I drove away. It was like the scene in the movie Hope Floats a scene I just never wanted to be in. My other son is so easily upset lately and I pulled him aside the other day and talked, he just wailed wanting to know when the divorce was going to be final. It’s my kids that I worry about, not this senseless disease. I have been abused from someone who wasn’t there for me for 11 of our 13 years in any form and quit on the marriage the day I was diagnosed.

I’ll never quit on my children, even if she quit on me in what can only be described as absolutely heartless cruelty, I fight Parkinson’s it’s what I do!