The fourth of July is a day we celebrate our independence. My independence comes with a heavy cost and is not at all what I had planned. 
Last year one of my twin boys promised me this year he was going to watch the fireworks with me because he knew it was always my favorite holiday. The previous year I had wanted to take my children to my favorite viewing spot but my wife held us back saying there would be too much traffic for the 10-minute drive. Her favorite holiday has always been Halloween
and I’ve always made my best effort to let her enjoy the day as she seemed fit. If I seem a little bitter I must admit I am; I’ve had consecutive milestone days in the last 2 months that have taken moments in my life away that can never be replaced, with the memory of unbelievable pain. For the very first time since becoming a Father I am alone on both my birthday and Father’s Day. The days turn into weeks and the weeks have turned into months with her keeping me away from my children with unbelievable cruelty. I spent the day thinking, “today is the day she will let them talk to me, she just can’t be this cruel, she just can’t be.” I spent the last 60 plus days, and counting, wishing I could just talk to them, to tell them how much I love them and tell them “no” their Daddy didn’t leave them. They had been dropping clues and were so excited for me to give me the presents they had made me, getting ready for my big days. They had also been making remarks that sat very heavy on my heart. One of my twins occasionally saying, “If I have another Dad I wouldn’t love him as much.” The other asking me, “Daddy do you sometimes think you are nice to mommy but she isn’t nice back? I see it Dad.” My heart hurts and I think to myself if I just try harder or if I didn’t have this disease she might come around.
I know now that Parkinson’s was just too much for her to handle, it wasn’t what she planned to marry. She has had me removed from my home and children by law enforcement on May 26th. A court order from a highly over exaggerated report and seemingly devious plan was issued claiming Domestic Battery. She had told me years before when we were having some financial troubles it was a good thing I was a good father because she was so ready to divorce me. I guess she couldn’t figure out how to do it, at least until now. Our communication had become non-existent and I had been writing, trying to avoid the pain and trying to break through to her. I would pour my heart out and choose my words carefully, always seemingly walking on eggshells. I had begun to try to and communicate to her in this blog but she has been non-existent for years. Refusing to ever talk about my disease, her fears or attend any of my medical or Neurological appointments; her coping mechanism in not dealing with anything at all and completely shutting off emotionally. Working as a college intern at Disney World she definitely knows how to put up the front of Happiest Place on Earth for show purposes, only to come home to show her disappointment in me, by totally ignoring me and retreating to the bed room for isolation.
When I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s back in 2009 my wife asked me, “Did you tell them we were having twins?” In-which I could only reply, “I really don’t think it matters.” I have always made that into a punchline joke but deep in my heart I had been so terribly wounded with the wound growing every day until the marriage was dead. I had begged for individual marriage counseling but she would not go. I can only think now how terribly selfish that is once a man and wife have children together. I know I became a man and a husband when I started to quit living for myself and my focus was on my family. Early in our marriage she was told she was unable to have children, the Doctor thinking she had sarcoma uterine cancer. I remember my love for her did not change. She however, checked out of our marriage it seems at that very moment she heard I had Parkinson’s. For the past nine years my wife has gone to bed nightly at 8:00 pm claiming pure exhaustion from her days and I’ve always blamed myself until recently.
It’s turned out to read like a made for TV movie with a devious plot that few could ever believe but, I guarantee there is no embellishing on my end for effect. If anything, I have never lied about my family but masked the truth by not writing about my marital troubles, seemingly painting a happy family portrait. The fact is I’m in love with my family picture and wife and children, but sadly my wife doesn’t share the same affection. I always thought if I just didn’t have this disease she would love me again, but you can’t control what another human thinks or does. I can only try and be a better man with Parkinson’s than I was without.
I have learned not everyone is emotionally equipped to handle the hand I had been dealt, but I had no idea how terribly cruel it would grow to be over the years. “For richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health.” Are those merely words we all say now but they are hollow to some? So it may seem!
Daddy loves you!
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I had written this entry into an on-line Parkinson’s support group last year in a private forum, my guess is it isn’t so private anymore.
Dan Gearhart to #nevergiveup Parkinson’s and Dystonia
May 2, 2016 ·
Bellevue ·
My deepest pain comes from my marriage, or lack there of. I try and put on a happy face, stay positive and hope it transforms into reality but it truly hurts my soul. As I mentioned in my story my wife was pregnant with our twin boys when I was diagnosed. Her 1st response was, “did you tell them we are having twins?” I have never forgotten or been able to live that down.
Even as I cry out for help and support she is non-existent, running off to her part time job and simply ignoring me as each day passes. This is where I need the most support. The response from my “coming out” Post to my friends and other family empowered me to talk about it to anyone as I am in my own prison of thinking, “if I just didn’t have this disease she might love me”. She is of the mindset of being more private, or pretending there is nothing wrong and refuses marriage counseling. So I joined this support group; I’m not even clear if this is a subject for this group but it consumes me. I am truly alone in that aspect.
I’m sooo trying to live life to it’s fullest and do something fun with my children everyday and love them as much as I possibly can so they experience a joyful childhood. I feel like this disease is a time bomb gradually taking away my abilities to play with them and because of the disease; if we were to divorce my children would go with the parent that can make a peanut butter sandwich without shaking or needing help. This is my torture and I pray to God for strength but seem to get weaker every day. I don’t know how long I will remain gainfully employed. I am the primary bread winner in supporting the family. If I were to lose my job I fear I could lose the daily need for me to be with my children. They are my everything!
Dan,
First of all, thank you for your painful honesty about such a hurtful time in your life! I find that you have a courage that you didn’t know was in your heart! That’s awesome, because you are going to need it! From what you are communicating about your wife, I see someone who is immature, selfish, and frightened. I think that you should get counseling whether she does or not. It will strengthen you to grow into the man that God designed you to be. I truly believe that your wife needs to”grow up”! But she needs to discover that for herself. But please, seek out help outside of you, quickly.
Also, please be careful with how much stress that you tolerate in your “space”! Stress can accelerate your Parkinson’s quickly. At one point in my life, my neurologist told me to come back to see her in 5+ years. That would be the time that was required to be in need of her services. But I had allowed far too much stress in my life. Especially from my mother. She was one mean woman. I kept getting sicker and sicker. My General Practitioner was not happy with the shape that I was in. He had a really good talk with me and let me know that my mother was a mentally ill person. He urged me to withdraw from the relationship for the sake of my own health. So, that same year that my doctor told me to return in 5+ years, I had to return for help in 8 months! Those are months that you can not undo. This is one of those times when you start to learn how to love yourself. Without that kindness towards yourself, it makes it extremely difficult to be loving and kind to others. I hope that this blesses you,
Sincerely, Pam Kearns
Thank you Pamela, I have been working with someone to get through all of this and believe God has a plan for me.
Dan, I hope this finds you in better spirits and better situation. Dan, brother, my heart aches for you and the situation you’re in don’t let it defeat you. Have you tried reaching out to family and friends to seek assistance? It can be extremely difficult to ask for help but you need to find an advocate. Is there a local support group? Can you talk to your medical provider? something, anything, to get the ball rolling. life is not over but you have to fight! I too have Parkinson’s and if there’s anything I can do to help please feel free to contact me through Facebook or email. Alexdalbini at gmail.com. #NGU
I can empathize, Dan.
I recently went through a divorce, preceded by an sudden and immediate eviction. I asked for two weeks to organize, pack, and remove my belongings; I was allowed three hours the following Saturday to come and get my stuff, get out, and never come back- under police supervision, which I found ironic, seeing as the only time there was ever any physical violence was when she would lose her temper and attack me.
We had gone to counseling for several weeks earlier in the year, and she promised she would never kick me out again (this was the THIRD time in the last five years. I told her we were DONE if she pulled it again). But she had a falling out with her counselor, who felt the wife was very negative toward EVERYTHING.
I don’t blame her for divorcing me on account of the PD. It takes a special, gifted person to hold the love in their heart needed to be a willing caretaker and patient companion, and she is not even close to being that. But the unnecessary cruelty of arbitrary and imminent eviction and the removal of our shared seven rescue dogs from the home when I got my stuff (never got to say good-bye to my dogs) revealed critical character aspects I had overlooked.
I wish I had advice that could help, but all I can say is, you are not alone, sir.