May 28, 2016
Where’s the guy in the picture? Is he still here? I hate what I’ve become, what did l do to deserve this? I’m a good person! I have always put others first, I just don’t understand. Could I have possibly have done this to myself by worrying myself sick, or by eating the wrong things? Why does such a bad thing happen to such good and beautiful hearted people? Please help me understand. Would it make sense if I told you l know how to think happy but I just can’t do it?
I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m tortured and I only find happiness in my children. All else is gone and I can’t pretend it’s not and everything is going to be Okay because it’s just too hard to believe! You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you and I just don’t and haven’t for such a long time. So many of you are in much worse shape than I am and it’s almost like your happy to have Parkinson’s or have found it to be your purpose. I don’t want it to be my purpose or God’s plan for me to suffer through life with a disease! He gave us his son so that we can have everlasting life and he was tortured to death. How could a father do this to his child? I am willing to die for my children, all I am is because of them. Is my fate in life to be tortured in my life for my reward? Would I have not gone to heaven from the way I was already living my life?
My father has lived a hard life dedicating himself to others and the Lord and has also been a good man, he is so content to get his new body and it’s been hard to watch. I know everyone must eventually die but why do some suffer so much longer than others? Why, why, why?
I find piece from Parkinson’s only through the love of my children and creating our “moments” together the rest of the time I hurt and I’ve got such a long way to go. If this is God’s plan for me or any of us it seems extremely cruel. I pray for a cure or a way to make some sense out of this senseless disease. It’s really hard for me to have faith in anything any more, but I will continue to fight for it!
